Nancy's Musings

My rejection from teaching at BYU-Idaho is a big deal to me, but mostly as another nail in the coffin of my academic career. Emotionally, I fight a lot of "nobody wants me" feelings, and the constant employment rejection is a concrete manifestation of that conviction. But as I wrote in my last post, I'm not here on earth solely for or at other people's pleasure. I have a lot of student loans. My debt increases about $1,000 every two months since I achieved my PhD. I need and want to make money, but normal revenue streams are not available to me. I make what money I can at freelancing, babysitting, and odd jobs, but the time-to-income ratio is insufficient for long-term purposes. I have known for a long time that I should write novels for my mental health, so I'm going to put more effort into trying to sell them. Last year I polished a short thriller titled This Prison . I contacted a few agents about it, even, and collected some rejection. I'm more hesitan...

Trigger warning: if this is gonna make you sad, you might look at pictures of kittens instead. I am not a mental health professional. I'm just me, and my experiences are individual, and not intended to be generalized. If this doesn't help you, throw it away and find something that does. A few months ago, my congregation heard a really amazing presentation/lecture on suicide in our community. Since I have been suicidal (mildly, and not recently, thank God), I prepared myself to listen by writing down some notes and memories. I thought maybe somebody might find them useful. I identified three justifications that my sad/scared brain found to push me toward self-harm and suicide, and I also identified the tools and truths that my strong brain found to help me keep going until I could see light again. Reason 1 (a lie) : I am a burden on others, and a net loss in life. Even knowing that it's a lie, my brain actually still believes this. For those of us with certai...

This poem by William Wordsworth (Romantic poet, friend of Shelley and Coleridge, brother of Dorothy Wordsworth) has been stuck in my head for several months now. Beginning with the bodily metaphors that describe energy expended in unfruitful pursuits, we can hear the frustration of a poet who cannot find any harmony between the wild, dangerous, and stormy passions of nature (imagine the intimacy between sea and wind!) and the sordid onanism of capitalistic production and acquisition. In other words, Wordsworth is complaining that we waste energy in "Getting and spending" (ln 2) and are too preoccupied with such dull things to experience  Nature (a loaded term for Wordsworth, but I'm not going to bother to unpack it here). And then he writes, "I'd rather be / a Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;" (lns 9-10). Wordsworth is looking to ancient religions jealously and resenting Christianity for inoculating him against the sublime - the terror and wonder in th...

I genuinely like myself - my body, my brain, my personality, my opinions, my interests and skills. But I have been around me for a long, long time, and I don't really have many secrets left for myself to discover. I have lost my novelty. I'm comfortable. I easily change sizes to fit myself. Tonight I cooked dinner for someone who didn't come home. She left me for Marvel. I watched a horror movie by myself. I did not the slightest stitch of housework (although I'm going to, because clutter is starting to bother me), and I didn't feel the slightest bit judged. I don't hate being alone. I'm not afraid of being alone, even after Mercy Black (2019). But sometimes I really want to talk, and right now that desire to talk to someone is flailing around like a fire hose, even though if I did have something specific to say, this post would be a lot more enjoyably concrete. I am not enjoyably concrete. I'm squishy, like this post. (Has sudden image of gel...

As I listened to a short sermon in church today, I was so intrigued by an idea that it sparked that I began writing a blog as soon as the meeting ended. And then my phone deleted it. But it's a really important idea that I think I really need to articulate, so I'm going to try to recreate at least the sense of it. The speaker was comparing common quotations from popular culture (including "All You Need Is Love," which I think is arguably true, at least mitigatedly) to their counterparts in scripture. I was struck by an impression that I've had before. So that I don't misrepresent what the speaker was saying, I must admit that this speaker argued explicitly that real happiness isn't possible outside of Latter-Day Saint orthodoxy. I disagree, and this post is basically going to articulate the differences I observe between those who are inside the church and on the "covenant path" and those who left it, or never enter. A dear friend and...

In recent years, I have looked forward and loved General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The leaders gave messages of comfort, hope, counsel, and sometimes reprimand, which I sometimes processed in good mental health with optimism for the future, and sometimes they triggered spirals of self-recrimination. I don't take criticism well at this dose of Sertraline. But it was always a good experience, all-in-all. There was something I could take and run with. I felt supported by the Spirit. The conference that concluded yesterday was not so smooth. And I want to blame Facebook, but really, making conference a shared experience was painful, problematic, and also really important for helping me to understand the variety of needs of the people around me. The social media reactions to the conference generally fell into two extreme piles: those who in blissful cheer image-macro'd oversimplified quotations (or reposted them frequently and without ...

This is going to be a confession, which means that I am giving you permission to judge me -- not because I want absolution or abuse or absolution through abuse (I am only a secondary victim of my own ignorance), but because learning from the mistakes of others can make the world better, and I will sacrifice for that. For those of you triggered or injured by this confession, I am sorry, and I hope you hold me accountable in whatever way you need to. Be safe. Be well. I grew up in Southern Utah around ranchers and other white stereotypes. When I was a teenager I volunteered to help with a boy scout merit badge activity. I was assigned to help at a knot-tying station with an older man (probably in his sixties). I was much more interested in learning a new skill myself than I was in helping anybody. I'm sure I was mostly useless. Between rotation groups, the man teaching the boys how to tie clove hitches and granny squares sensed my eagerness to learn. He got a twinkle in his eye - a...