Nancy's Musings

In John Myers Myers's narrativized compendium of literature, titled  Silverlock , just at the beginning of the sixth chapter a vaguely Shakespearean character named Rosalette (probably after  As You Like It 's Rosalind, at least partially) sings a song to Shandon, the main character, that puts him to sleep. The song is called "Seven Roads" and goes like this: Seven roads could lead thee here, Seven have betrayed me, dear. Seven could and none have done; Rank imposters, every one: Liars caught in lies, my sweet, There's no road without your feet. Where you're not, there is no land. There's no touch without your hand. Here, I know, is not a place For it does not hold your face. But there's one that I must find Where you wander, though I'm blind Without your eyes. As poetry, it's relatively unsophisticated. It's a simple little tune that a sweet girl sings as she's lost, looking for her lover in the forest. The phrase "seven roads...

Our guest speaker in Sacrament Meeting yesterday offered some great advice on how to cut through your own self-centered bull**** and get married. I was accompanying on the organ for the first time, and scared to death, but I was sitting on the stand, and so I took notes. This is what they look like: God cares about our success? I knew I'd be single, and I'm living a fairy-tale. :) (yes, I wrote an emoticon. I was responding to his statement that we didn't expect to still be single, and that life brings all kinds of misery). Aha. You choose. (responding to the information that we are here to choose a spouse, not wait for one to be doled to us - a theory I have had for several years, though I've been verbally crucified for saying so) Suck it up. Humiliation, suffered well, builds character (a very personal observation, considering my shaky exhibition). Stop, articulate and listen. Ignore the CW. Own the man-smell. Repress the lizard brain. Be patient with yourself. Read b...

A friend spoke up in Relief Society yesterday during a lesson about forgiveness and said something I almost agreed with. She pointed out that forgiveness is really between a person and God, and is largely irrelevant to the perpetrator of the offense. I think I agree, in that forgiving becomes for us largely a selfish act. We forgive others so that we feel better ourselves. But because it's selfish, we categorize so many things in our lives as "unforgivable" and then ameliorate that down to "unforgettable" and sever our relationships because we're protecting ourselves. In some specific cases, I absolutely believe severance to be the best course: I see no reason to maintain dating relationships with someone who has crossed boundaries of any kind, because dating relationships specifically are contingent on very personal kinds of approval. And no sane human would consider remaining friends with a rapist, abuser, or thief after being victimized by that person. Bu...

The first thing I imagine when I hear "sacred" is the Sacrament of bread and water on the Sabbath. It's a symbolic act reminding the partaker and witnesses of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, his pain and death, to which we owe our existence, our salvation, our comfort, and anything that comes afterwards. When a soul feels that debt, the union and gratitude to the Savior becomes precious, and we cling to it as best we know how. How often, though, have you heard someone shout his name as a curse, either on television, or in your presence? If you believe in His divinity and the Atonement, how does that profanity make you feel? That difference, the mocking use of something sacred for something trivial or supremely inappropriate, defines profanity very succinctly. William Shakespeare, almost half a millenium ago, wrote a funny and insightful comedy called Twelfth Night whose name even refers to a reversal, a contrast, and reveling in the inappropriate. Shakespeare questioned t...

I don't know how many times I will have to, or get to, say this, but the Word of Wisdom does not forbid sugar of any kind - processed, natural, or taken intravenously. And yet, in any given lesson on the Word of Wisdom, somebody will bring it up. We invent health laws for ourselves, and think that God has sanctioned them. It's dangerous. It's never a bad thing to take care of yourself, but did you know that your brain NEEDS sugar ? Too much is probably almost as bad as none at all, but none at all isn't something to aim for. And yet well-meaning, middle-aged singles jump on every fad diet like it's the answer to their prayers of finding a husband. Girls, If he doesn't like your personality BEFORE you diet, it's just going to be more obvious when you're all Zenobia Fromme. I am a diet-free zone for two reasons: first, I follow the Word of Wisdom as closely as I am able, and that is where the blessings lie, not in "looking beyond the mark" and tr...

Reading that title, I'm guessing you immediately thought this would be a post about not paying attention during the Sacrament, or something. It isn't. It's something much more complicated. I had a dear roommate (one of my favorite people in the universe) diagnosed with Adult ADD. She explained to me that one of the symptoms is a lack of impulse control - it means that when you get the urge to do something, you just do it out of anger, curiosity, or any other emotion. I imagine that normally, a human fields dozens of impulses without even noticing. We think "I really want to hit him in the jaw" or "I really wish I could spit right now" or "I wonder what it feels like to fall off a tall building," or "I wonder what it's like to kiss him." What would it do to your life if you just did it - without thinking? Part of the gospel is learning when and how to obey impulses, and when to reject them. We are meant to reject temptation ("...

So these ten guys were waiting for a ride to go hang out with Jesus. He said he'd text them when he was ready to pick them up over by Charlie's, and five of them are like, "dude, my phone is totally dying. Can I use your charger?" and the other five were like, "no, they aren't compatible. It's an LG thing." So when he finally texted that he was on his way those first five were home with their phones plugged in, and only the second five got to hang out. I dunno, that totally works for me. It got some laughs in our meeting today too, but like most things I say out loud, I don't think they got it.

After Relief Society yesterday my mother was feeling very unsettled. I sat next to her and listened to the same lesson. I even contributed to the discussion (when finally called upon), but my mother (who is a gentle person and unused to, for instance, assertiveness) disagreed so violently with what the teacher was trying to say that she left the meeting buzzing with her own opinions (and the scripture references to back them up). I would describe the teacher as intelligent, educated, well put-together, and independent-spirited. She has either the self-control or the natural metabolism to stay quite thin, she maintains brilliant posture, and she clips her gray hair short. She wears well-cut and -woven clothes and speaks with perhaps two decades experience of teaching middle-school. I do admire her, as I would any successful woman. The teacher ended her comments with a catch-all cease fire, almost-but-not-quite apologizing for the feeling of disagreement her questions engendered. She kne...

I'm being over-emotional again, but I had a tough day yesterday. My day was nothing compared to a good friend's. An old friend and co-worker met me as I was walking up the ramp to work. Her husband has experienced some trauma at his job, and he has some anxiety about keeping it. His trauma triggered severe anxiety attacks in her for which she has recently been hospitalized for several days. She expresses herself honestly, and appears so sweet and vulnerable that it was instinctive for me to give her a hug. But as I told my mother about it, her first reaction was to tell me that there's nothing I can do. She is right, I cannot cure my friend of her anxiety, but that doesn't mean I should try to stop myself from feeling the pain of her experiences. When we let ourselves love someone so much that we feel what they feel we do a little of what Jesus did, and we carry each-other's burdens. I don't think that my empathy helps her at all. I can't imagine that she fe...

I met the most amazing person today. My mother's visiting teacher invited me to sit in on their conversation, and she's bright. She's cheerful, pretty, intelligent, educated, socially inclined, active, and well-kept. She's single and thirty-six, and she says that her thirties are much better than her twenties were. The light around her was quite contagious. It was a blessing to hear about her perspective. She helped me see something: people who are single have a unique set of experiences. People who do not marry early have opportunities that others might not have. Each experience changes us, and gives us a pool of knowledge which benefits everyone, not only those who live it. To have a complete set of knowledge for society some of us must take the slower path. All of us must take different paths, and then the Lord can use what we know to benefit those around us. Being thirty-plus sounds like fun. It takes someone brilliant to show me that, and to be a kind of example th...

I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of creation ex nihilo , but I am convinced that miracles happen when God has something to work with, whether it's a broken heart, or a set of lost keys. The source of the manna and quail in the wilderness remains perhaps unspecified, but when the brother of Jared approached the Lord, he had stones he had taken from the mountain (still wondering what the verb "molten" means, although it's likely enough that it means the same thing as the adjective). Jesus turned water into wine, and multiplied the loaves and fishes, but someone had to donate the water and the original bread and fish. And the faith. When God wishes to send an angel, He draws from a pool of willing souls. I bring the question, then, when we need a miracle what do we bring? It's not a simple question. I suspect that the Lord (remembering the advice of 2 Samuel, that "Obedience is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams"), i...

My favorite color is green, but at the moment I'm totally bummed. I'm pretty sure it's my own fault (I guess sometimes we can never be absolutely certain), but there isn't much I can do about it now so today's blog is going to be oranging strategies. I hate orange, but it is the direct contrast to blue, which means it's going to symbolically represent cheering up. Orange is a strong, vibrant color. Yellow is laughter and red is power, so orange makes a good "bucking up" color; it means be strong and laugh at yourself. The easiest thing to do to cheer myself up is read a book. It's relaxing and it takes my brain quickly away from my own mental arguments. Writing has the same effect, most of the time. As an activity, it requires that the brain function on several different levels. The most tempting approach to self-cheering up is comfort food. I find that a big, juicy piece of fruit is always comforting. Also, if no fruit is available or affordable, ...

Yesterday I got to hang out with the Sister Missionaries. They came over for dinner too, and we had some good times. I was reminded of my own mission and the way my eyes were constantly gulping down the scenery: snow-covered and wonderfully-lit Christmas streets, the view from a cathedral tower, the shades of green and orange in the forests, ancient stone, or fresh graffiti. I remember my dying testimony given in German as some poor Elder struggled to translate. I had no family there, and no one was listening to me, but I meant what I said anyway. My father had taught me, as a result of his own prestigious background, how to recognize beauty. I know how good food tastes, how to recognize beautiful art and music, and how to know a good book. While I was on my mission I learned how to recognize another kind of beauty: the beauty of personality and the worth of a human soul. All souls are infinitely valuable, and have been bought at asking price, but there are souls among us who are be...

There is a giant hole in one of my top, right teeth. I can feel it with my tongue. I have an appointment for next week to have it filled or filed off or whatever, but in the meantime I'm afraid to eat. I dreamed last night in feverish anxiety that the hole got bigger, that the whole tooth fell away in pieces, that I could see it in the mirror and it looked like some Sarlacc nesting in my gums. I'm frightened (not of Sarlacci, naturally, because they're fictional. I'm afraid for my teeth, I'm afraid for how much it's going to cost to get it fixed, and I'm afraid that I will never be okay again). I don't usually look to the scriptures for comfort because I haven't always found it there, and when I feel anxious the last thing I need is more anxiety from God (not that He gives anxiety, just that sometimes his love doesn't get through to me a fast as his disapproval does), but yesterday I did. I was flipping open the scriptures for my daily study from...