Depression and Suicide

Trigger warning: if this is gonna make you sad, you might look at pictures of kittens instead.

I am not a mental health professional. I'm just me, and my experiences are individual, and not intended to be generalized. If this doesn't help you, throw it away and find something that does.

A few months ago, my congregation heard a really amazing presentation/lecture on suicide in our community. Since I have been suicidal (mildly, and not recently, thank God), I prepared myself to listen by writing down some notes and memories. I thought maybe somebody might find them useful.

I identified three justifications that my sad/scared brain found to push me toward self-harm and suicide, and I also identified the tools and truths that my strong brain found to help me keep going until I could see light again.

Reason 1 (a lie): I am a burden on others, and a net loss in life.

Even knowing that it's a lie, my brain actually still believes this. For those of us with certain kinds of mental patterns (perfectionism, self-image and self-worth issues, etc.), it's easy to convince us that we are monsters. Our brains already believe it some of the time, and the wrong kind of feedback just indelibly reinforces it. Your ill-timed or badly-worded criticism, coupled with depression, can convince us that the world really will be better if we just went away. How many tender, beautiful people have been persuaded to act on that conviction?

It is a lie. Each person is infinitely valuable, and each person's life . . . people are the sugar in the cake mix of earth life. I will make room in my heart and in my schedule for anyone who wants me to prove it to them.

Simply confronting your feelings with logic doesn't work. It's not adequate, because logic is made out of aluminum. It's very sturdy, but very light, and it can't outweigh overwhelming emotion that sits like lead in your gut. 

People will say things like, "get outside yourself. Do service!" and we punch these people in the face. Service is a great idea for everybody, but it doesn't cure depression. Meds and counseling can't even cure depression. Only Jesus can do that, and he takes his sweet time, bless his heart.

The tool that worked for me when the people around me and my own brain were trying to convince me that I am a blot, a smudge, an error, was not to arm wrestle that emotion into submission or to go into denial until I believed the opposite. I had to be more slippery. I had to embrace selfishness.

Yes, selfishness kept me alive.

After I had slept through most of that crisis and the darkness had ebbed (This is an essential part of the process of surviving a serious depressive episode. Sleep. Wait it out. It WILL ebb), on the other side of the darkness I realized that I don't exist just for other people's pleasure. I'm here for my own pleasure, and there are still things to look forward to. 

So. Many. Books.

Reason 2: (a truth): I am in unbearable pain.

If this is where you're at, then ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. Emotional pain is as valid as physical pain. And stacked on top of that *whimper* the world often dismisses emotional pain as imaginary. 

It's real. You ARE feeling what you are feeling. And I am sorry, and if you tell me about it, I will listen.

Sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes it hurts for a long time and doesn't let up, and you start to wonder if you're going to hurt forever. And then you wonder if you're going to hurt until you die. And then you wonder if you can make that come a little faster. Please, can it come faster? This hurts.

It will come soon enough. Looking toward death with sanguinity is valuable, but when you hang all your hope on that single event in the future, like looking forward to your wedding, or when you finally lose those fifty pounds, you miss all the cool stuff that's happening in the meantime on that path even if that event never comes at all. And even when most of what is happening is pain, there are still days when the pain will ease. Days when you can push it to the side and find something to make you laugh. Days when your meds work perfectly. Days when the kitten pictures on the internet are particularly fluffy or boopy. Days when there are donuts.

The tool I used to beat this pattern was to learn how to recognize a good day - whatever that meant for me. This is hard work. This isn't a power tool, this is a screwdriver. You push hard, and you keep twisting, and you can do it. You can build your own bookshelves. There are people who can help you, too.

Reason 3 (a half-truth): The world is horrible, and it's getting worse.

The world is pretty bleak. The worst of it is news media. If it's triggery, be brave enough to stay away from the news. [update 6/20/2019: I have found a source of news that just tells me the facts and doesn't try to contextualize or spin - it does NOT trigger my self-harm instinct! it's https://www.thenewpaper.co/, and so far I can recommend it!]
Defy your politically-obsessed relatives and friends. After a hundred years of honing their craft, journalists and people who imitate journalists are expert fear-mongers. They need your attention to make money, and the fastest way to get your attention is to make you scared. And that fear will feed your depression. Educate yourself with media that does not feed on your negative emotions like some sort of sci-fi parasite. Read scholarly books from a variety of perspectives.

As you can see by my previous posts, I still fight a battle against the weight of the world. I fight all the time, and my tools vary. But even when my emotions are telling me that hate is winning, that pain is ubiquitous, that Goodness has thrown up its hands and built a hermitage in the hills, my logic brain disagrees. It's just not visible if you stand too far back. Goodness is like your favorite color in an impressionist painting. If you stand back too far, it's drowned out in form, line, and by all the other colors, but if you step up really close, it's everywhere. It's under every other stroke, mixed in, swimming around in a Van Gogh sky.

I'm going to be honest. It's going to take a lot of courage to keep your eyes open. You'll have to be brave. But if you want to see it, and maybe you can find someone to hold your hand, it will be there. Kindness. Generosity. Altruism. Selflessness. Gentle caring. Patience. Optimism. Idealism. Love.

I can't stop the world from burning, but I can tend my garden. I can make sure all of my flowers are cared for and loved. A little myopia might just save us all.

In conclusion, here are a few opinions that might be useful.

What I know:

• Not everybody is the same. Each person is unique, and deserves to be listened to.
• I survived by the strength of my determination to do nothing.
• In the dark, your brain is lying to you and you cannot trust it.
• Your feelings are real.
• Depression brings strong feelings of alienation and the desire to increase it.
• Even if you're feeling paranoid, people really can be malicious or dismissive.
• You are not actually invisible. The best people will always see you for who you are.
• You are strong, and you are capable. Of giving yourself a break. ;)

My suggestions:

• GET SLEEP. Few things aggravate or prolong a depressive episode like sleep deprivation.
• Give yourself a few minutes of stretching or yoga. Don't call it exercise.
• Recognize your feelings, but reject their arguments. 
• Cultivate self-awareness (as if you can help it. Congratulations, this is your new superpower).
• Contextualize your emotions by the purpose they are supposed to serve. Recognize their malfunction.
• Demand a break. Take care of yourself.
• Play.
• If you are a temple-going member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, participate in temple ordinances - the participation in any ordinance should grant you the privilege of meditating in the Celestial Room. It's like sunbathing on a warm beach for your spirit. - Please be aware - if your brain is really struggling, it might not feel the sunlight, but your spirit WILL.
• Seek voices in your life that you can trust more than your own brain.
• Professional help is always recommended. If you are seriously considering suicide, it is MANDATORY. Free help is available