Sufficiency

It's been a horrible week for me. My wins include not crying in front of anyone, no overtly self-destructive behaviors, remaining professional under superhuman pressures, and eating at least two meals a day. Yes! 

I've been thinking about my men-friends, and the near-stalker who called me a misandrist this week (before I could successfully download software to block his texts permanently). I really feel bad for him. What would it be like inside a head so insecure that you have to believe that anyone who doesn't like you feels that way because of your gender? Sometimes people just don't like you. Most of the time, people just don't like me. This has been my week.

Like Aeryn says,* "It's not you: it's me. I don't like you."

I don't hate men. I don't even hate that one. I just refuse to remain where I am abused or manipulated.

What about the other men I see more frequently? They know I'm a feminist.

I want to follow up my Open Letter to Single Mormon Men. I think that men block other men, or avoid competition, for the same insecurities that make them want to call any kind of rejection "misandry." Because Pride. Pride is that feeling that sets you next to and against your neighbors. Yes, my awesome dudes, Insecurity=Pride. Whether you come out looking better or worse to yourself you're still just looking at your own reflection, my beautiful Narcissae. So you avoid competition: so you refuse to consider any woman who isn't free of any other masculine associates: so you self-flagellate in your brain. None of these is humility. All of these are surrenderings to pride. It's pure poltroonery bolstered by an unspoken love. You love your pride. You cling to it like a wife.

I love my pride, too. Like my anger, Pride is a source of strength. But it is not a permanent solution. Part of my own insecurity issues stem from the same narcissism as I see in others. Being nobody is not a problem until you start believing that you deserve more. And in that gap between what you believe you deserve and what God gives you lies all the pain in the universe. All the disappointment. All the fear.

I must remember that God has been generous to me. I am surrounded by undeserved, totally unearned kindness. I am always in debt.

Nobody is perfect yet. I have flaws. I have weaknesses and failures. Lots of them. So do you. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us. It is right to need the Atonement. It is right to be human, to have a body and a personality. Not even the Savior was universally loved (nor should we strive to be more than He). No amount of Brazilian doors slamming in your face can earn you a skinny blonde. Dating isn't about finding somebody "good enough" for you, nor is it about being "good enough" for somebody else.

I would even stretch the argument further. Living a life isn't about "earning" or "deserving" things. It's about trying things on to see if they fit yet. We grow into our lives. We try on tasks, hobbies, callings, jobs, friends, etc. Don't let the world fool you into believing in superiority and inferiority. Keep trying things on. Don't give up on everyone because someone hurt you. Work hard because it feels good. Be clever because it makes the world a better place. In the face of all alienation and failure, keep hope: there is everything right with you.

 

 

 

 

*  "Look at the Princess (Part 2): I do, I think" (2.12)

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