Call me Kuzco
People, myself included, seem to be very down on me lately, and I'm sure they've every right to be that way. I'm a bit incoherent at the moment. I haven't said or typed one right thing in several weeks. I'm terse, offensive, ugly, sarcastic, and anxious beyond all hope of sanity. My mother says I make it difficult to be loved. My dad says I'm illogical (which isn't actually true - I'm just a little obscure), Michael simply won't give me the time of day, and Stephen says we need an intervention. Elizabeth says I have bad taste, Miriam says "why can't you just be nice to people?" (with perfect timing, I might add), my boss wants to fire me, and you really don't want to know what my students say about me. It doesn't help that I think they're probably all totally right.
Lest anyone forget, though, I'm wonderful. I'm sorry I'm not good at letting everybody know, but it's totally true. Not only am I a brilliant conversationalist (if I'm comfortable), but I don't judge people, I'm generous and open-hearted, and I know a lot of words. I'm fiercely loyal. I'm open to new information and I am in love with ideas. I enjoy trying new things (especially new food), and meeting new people (not all at once). I have a passable voice and I can carry a tune, or harmonize. I have a great sense of rhythm, and I'm always deliriously happy to see someone else experience good fortune. I'm well-read, educated, and dedicated. I'm tenacious beyond all reason. I'm gentle with animals, and I can keep myself and various small children entertained (indefinitely and for a reasonable amount of time, respectively). I have the wildest imagination ever, and I care passionately about other people, even if they hate me. My memory is elephantine, and I have gorgeous hair. I'm creative and analytical; I can use logic but I prefer intuition. I am deeply spiritual, and contrastingly flawed. I enjoy culture (art, food, live music, dance, etc), but I'm very low-maintenance; I'd rather eat at McDonalds than Macaroni Grill. I appreciate nature, and I can enjoy roughing it, or simply doing without. I'm a hard worker, and I try to be humble enough to take constructive criticism. I see beyond the obvious in both people and things (although I seem to be highly suggestible). I'm psychic - I can both see the future on occasion, and read people's minds (it's a nice parlour trick). I never compliment fatuously, but I am generous with well-earned praise. My tastes are unique. My criticism is accurate. My face is honest. I enjoy hard work and physical exercise. I love all weather and every climate. I have a sense of humor and can make people laugh (although it tends to the dry). I am a very good editor and proofreader, and I have an eye for detail. I can plan activities both in the broad sense, and in the details (I'm better at details). And although I am neither a good leader nor a good follower, I am very well able to form my own opinions without regarding anyone else's. I apologize sincerely and often. I value people above things, and give as much quality time to people I value as I can. I take politics seriously but don't discuss them in public. I am unashamed of my religion, but not pushy about it. I have lovely ankles. I am expressive and authentic. I enjoy and am good at research, at getting information, and I have the Dewey Decimal System memorized (down to two decimal places at parts). I have perfect eyebrows. I can do the "love long and prosper" sign instinctively. I know my way around computer innards and software. I'm conversant in a very wide variety of subjects, including psychology, medicine, world travel, oldies music, movies (classic and genre), geology, history, children's toys and literature, technology, physics (atomic theory) and math, the arts (all of them), and specific areas of popular culture. I sympathize with the disenfranchised, and root for the underdog. I cook well, and I collect egg recipes. I know what not to say to the recently bereaved, or to pregnant women (that's no guarantee that I won't say it, just that I know better). I can discipline dogs and gain the affection of cats. I play with fire. I keep fish. I collect cheap paperback science-fiction and foreign poetry. I enjoy critical and literary theory immensely. I do crossword puzzles with a pen. I'm good at sudoku as well, and I love solving logic puzzles. I'm also VERY good at jigsaw puzzles. I have a stage presence, and I can keep an audience's attention (with a little support, of course). I'm a brilliant stage lighting technician, and a passable lighting designer. I have perfect blood pressure. I memorize poetry easily, and can recite it in three languages. I also know most of the hymns by heart, and can play all of them on the piano, at least one-handed. I can compose and transpose music. I can sketch and paint (the former MUCH better than the latter). I enjoy standardized tests. I empathize. I express gratitude. I'm relatively observant. I collect pens and bookmarks, and can become giddy with delight in used bookstores, and office supply stores. I often prefer fiction to reality, but never mistake the two.
Feel free to add anything, negative or positive.
Lest anyone forget, though, I'm wonderful. I'm sorry I'm not good at letting everybody know, but it's totally true. Not only am I a brilliant conversationalist (if I'm comfortable), but I don't judge people, I'm generous and open-hearted, and I know a lot of words. I'm fiercely loyal. I'm open to new information and I am in love with ideas. I enjoy trying new things (especially new food), and meeting new people (not all at once). I have a passable voice and I can carry a tune, or harmonize. I have a great sense of rhythm, and I'm always deliriously happy to see someone else experience good fortune. I'm well-read, educated, and dedicated. I'm tenacious beyond all reason. I'm gentle with animals, and I can keep myself and various small children entertained (indefinitely and for a reasonable amount of time, respectively). I have the wildest imagination ever, and I care passionately about other people, even if they hate me. My memory is elephantine, and I have gorgeous hair. I'm creative and analytical; I can use logic but I prefer intuition. I am deeply spiritual, and contrastingly flawed. I enjoy culture (art, food, live music, dance, etc), but I'm very low-maintenance; I'd rather eat at McDonalds than Macaroni Grill. I appreciate nature, and I can enjoy roughing it, or simply doing without. I'm a hard worker, and I try to be humble enough to take constructive criticism. I see beyond the obvious in both people and things (although I seem to be highly suggestible). I'm psychic - I can both see the future on occasion, and read people's minds (it's a nice parlour trick). I never compliment fatuously, but I am generous with well-earned praise. My tastes are unique. My criticism is accurate. My face is honest. I enjoy hard work and physical exercise. I love all weather and every climate. I have a sense of humor and can make people laugh (although it tends to the dry). I am a very good editor and proofreader, and I have an eye for detail. I can plan activities both in the broad sense, and in the details (I'm better at details). And although I am neither a good leader nor a good follower, I am very well able to form my own opinions without regarding anyone else's. I apologize sincerely and often. I value people above things, and give as much quality time to people I value as I can. I take politics seriously but don't discuss them in public. I am unashamed of my religion, but not pushy about it. I have lovely ankles. I am expressive and authentic. I enjoy and am good at research, at getting information, and I have the Dewey Decimal System memorized (down to two decimal places at parts). I have perfect eyebrows. I can do the "love long and prosper" sign instinctively. I know my way around computer innards and software. I'm conversant in a very wide variety of subjects, including psychology, medicine, world travel, oldies music, movies (classic and genre), geology, history, children's toys and literature, technology, physics (atomic theory) and math, the arts (all of them), and specific areas of popular culture. I sympathize with the disenfranchised, and root for the underdog. I cook well, and I collect egg recipes. I know what not to say to the recently bereaved, or to pregnant women (that's no guarantee that I won't say it, just that I know better). I can discipline dogs and gain the affection of cats. I play with fire. I keep fish. I collect cheap paperback science-fiction and foreign poetry. I enjoy critical and literary theory immensely. I do crossword puzzles with a pen. I'm good at sudoku as well, and I love solving logic puzzles. I'm also VERY good at jigsaw puzzles. I have a stage presence, and I can keep an audience's attention (with a little support, of course). I'm a brilliant stage lighting technician, and a passable lighting designer. I have perfect blood pressure. I memorize poetry easily, and can recite it in three languages. I also know most of the hymns by heart, and can play all of them on the piano, at least one-handed. I can compose and transpose music. I can sketch and paint (the former MUCH better than the latter). I enjoy standardized tests. I empathize. I express gratitude. I'm relatively observant. I collect pens and bookmarks, and can become giddy with delight in used bookstores, and office supply stores. I often prefer fiction to reality, but never mistake the two.
Feel free to add anything, negative or positive.
You should try doing these things instead of just reminding us that you can.
ReplyDeleteWell, I just told a lady, accurately, that true-crime is 364.1523 - that's accurate to four decimal places.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps you should tell me how I should fit all of those hobbies into my current schedule (while still earning enough to live) rather than just telling me that I should.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't going to be specific, but I think cutting out all the terrible TV shows you watch is a good start.
ReplyDeleteOr you could just add that to the list. "I am very good at finding the worst television shows ever conceived by man, and watching the crap out of them"
ReplyDeleteThat is quite a useful talent, is it not? I shall never be bored.
ReplyDelete