Ice Queen

My first boyfriend called me "ice bitch" because I made decisions about him with the part of my brain that calculates and anticipates, and not the part of my brain that indulges in pointless pleasures (these two brain halves have since married and had lots of little halfling babies all of which deeply enjoy the kinds of pleasures that mostly require hard work). 

As a thinker and decision-maker, I rely heavily on instinct but never on emotion. Instinct consumes all the data I can feed it and in gratitude hones my superpower. Emotion gets really really bored and flips on my brain-media (basically any sound, image, or story retained by my capacious memory). It's the couch-potato of brain functions.

So a thing is happening in my life. I like to include my couch-potato brain in everything I do because it clearly needs a bit of exercise. I mean, jumping to conclusions gets her off the couch, but she can't maintain it long enough for the real cardiovascular benefits. So I've been hanging out with some men recently, and inviting my emotions along under strict instructions to stay behind the yellow tape. Emotional-Me was doing very well, and then it sort of went wrong and now that I've made the mistake I need to fix it, and that means making some really cold decisions.

As much connotative difference stands between a "friend" and "just friends" than stands between "friend" and "enemy." So when a man whom I've known for a short time and who only sees me briefly and occasionally describes our relationship as "friends" he doesn't mean that we're actually friends. He means we're not dating, and he likely has no intentions to ever change that.

This may seem a simple distinction to anyone reading this, but it's news to me. I don't date much, so the terminology is a little confusing.

I don't need "just friends." None of my brain bits have any use for them. They're the cancer of my social life. My emotions might like the idea of indulging in romance, but "just friends" only create the desire without assuaging it. So I have to make a very calculating decision to excise him. I have to sharpen my scalpel and call "schluss."

It's going to hurt, and the timing is horrendous. But it's October, and I am The Final Girl.

I need friends. I need people who tangle themselves into other people's lives. I need people who will let me break my heart over their disappointments, and who are ready with a hug and ice cream when my Thursday goes horrifically wrong. I need people who lean and are leaned on. I need friends. Nobody needs "just friends." "Just friends" can be "just anybody." Or nobody. Or cancer.

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