Avoidance
My dad calls it "being a worrier" but it's a diagnosable mental illness in the anxiety family. And right now, it has given me the hiccups.
A generous way of describing this part of my anxiety is that I care about and for people and other living things. I care what they think and how they feel about me. I care in great volumes, so when I lack information or when I see struggling, then I struggle.
I have found recently that the media tries to take advantage of this, and make me care about things I can't change, or that actually don't matter. But I do this all on my own, without their help. So I am giving myself a new tool: mental avoidance.
Until I find balance, I am going to consciously shift my thoughts away from my worries and onto things that bring peace and comfort. The problem is that most of the things that cause me worry do so because they also bring me joy. Let me show you what I mean:
Worry: It hurts that the man I like doesn't text me. He apparently doesn't want me to be part of his experiences right now.
Antidote: It was fun for a while, and I have some good memories. (Yeah, but you're still thinking about him.)
Worry: The chicks are acting weird and some of them are sneezing. I can't tell if they're too hot or too cold, and they're all different sizes. And my roommate is a Disney Princess and animals don't really like me.
Antidote: Plants! Plants don't show partiality, and you just water them and give them the requisite amount of sunlight and they become lush and green! They do their thing.
Worry: The "thing" that plants do is die. The tomato sprouts (that actually sprouted) are leggy (or wilting), the shrub in the window is wilted and doomed, the aerogarden will need to be rinsed in a couple of days and I don't know how to do that, the onions and sunflowers haven't sprouted, the garden just got another frost, and the grow lamp doesn't have any white light.
Antidote: Service! I am stuck at home so I will minister to my sisters!
Worry: Both of the dear sisters I currently minister to are moving this month, and we're under strict orders to stay at home. Plus, my roommate is immunocompromised and sensitive to lung ailments, so I definitely need to take care of myself to take care of her.
Antidote: Take care of her! Extra service to roommate!
Worry: I can't seem to manage to do the things that I'm expected to do to earn my place in this house. How can I possibly do extra to show my roommate that I love her?
Antidote: Students! I'm a teacher now, so that means I have classrooms full of bright young things to encourage and nurture!
Worry: My students are disappearing at alarming rates, despite my emails and reassuring affirmation.
Antidote: Hens! My hens are still here, and laying eggs.
Worry: Leela, the hen, flies out of the chicken yard after clover. She could leave the backyard entirely and run around the neighborhood and get chicken-napped or hit by a car or eat somebody's shrubs.
Antidote: Man-friend. I can remember being held and kissed. I remember walking at a snowy sunset and the sound of his voice. I remember driving around at Christmas, looking at the lights and making jokes about marriage on a second date.
Worry: Dating someone who doesn't communicate is painful, and I may not be able to sustain it.
Antidote: Neighbors. They care for each other and me wonderfully and I am grateful. I live in an amazing neighborhood.
Worry: But I disagree with them about politics, fundamentally. They mock my deeply held beliefs and researched opinions. They post thoughtless memes on Facebook and refuse to engage in reasoned conversation.
Antidote: Build friendships that transcend politics. Politics are temporal and temporary. Times will change things, but Joseph Smith said that the same sociality that exists on earth exists in heaven.
Worry: A relationship, of any kind, is like a plant or a chicken. Until it has strong roots, it needs care and attention from all parties to stay alive. I can't keep any relationships alive on my own, and I feel more and more alone every day. Nobody cares as much as I do about any of these. My siblings express only annoyance. My parents are moving from the house they've lived in for 35 years. The chicks only think about food, water, heat, and pooping (lots and lots of pooping). My friends are busy with their own cares, just like I am - particularly because most of them are educators and shifting f2f to remote is like a home tooth-transplant from one mouth to another.
Antidote: There is only one real antidote. I have a few symptomatic treatments, like horror movies, Lego, browsing Mutual, ALL TEH CRAFTS, but none of them solve the problem.
Truthfully, there may be no solution in this life. I have a diagnosed and chronic emotional illness, and they are part of mortal existence.
But there is a balm in Gilead. There is a healer.
A generous way of describing this part of my anxiety is that I care about and for people and other living things. I care what they think and how they feel about me. I care in great volumes, so when I lack information or when I see struggling, then I struggle.
I have found recently that the media tries to take advantage of this, and make me care about things I can't change, or that actually don't matter. But I do this all on my own, without their help. So I am giving myself a new tool: mental avoidance.
Until I find balance, I am going to consciously shift my thoughts away from my worries and onto things that bring peace and comfort. The problem is that most of the things that cause me worry do so because they also bring me joy. Let me show you what I mean:
Worry: It hurts that the man I like doesn't text me. He apparently doesn't want me to be part of his experiences right now.
Antidote: It was fun for a while, and I have some good memories. (Yeah, but you're still thinking about him.)
Worry: The chicks are acting weird and some of them are sneezing. I can't tell if they're too hot or too cold, and they're all different sizes. And my roommate is a Disney Princess and animals don't really like me.
Antidote: Plants! Plants don't show partiality, and you just water them and give them the requisite amount of sunlight and they become lush and green! They do their thing.
Worry: The "thing" that plants do is die. The tomato sprouts (that actually sprouted) are leggy (or wilting), the shrub in the window is wilted and doomed, the aerogarden will need to be rinsed in a couple of days and I don't know how to do that, the onions and sunflowers haven't sprouted, the garden just got another frost, and the grow lamp doesn't have any white light.
Antidote: Service! I am stuck at home so I will minister to my sisters!
Worry: Both of the dear sisters I currently minister to are moving this month, and we're under strict orders to stay at home. Plus, my roommate is immunocompromised and sensitive to lung ailments, so I definitely need to take care of myself to take care of her.
Antidote: Take care of her! Extra service to roommate!
Worry: I can't seem to manage to do the things that I'm expected to do to earn my place in this house. How can I possibly do extra to show my roommate that I love her?
Antidote: Students! I'm a teacher now, so that means I have classrooms full of bright young things to encourage and nurture!
Worry: My students are disappearing at alarming rates, despite my emails and reassuring affirmation.
Antidote: Hens! My hens are still here, and laying eggs.
Worry: Leela, the hen, flies out of the chicken yard after clover. She could leave the backyard entirely and run around the neighborhood and get chicken-napped or hit by a car or eat somebody's shrubs.
Antidote: Man-friend. I can remember being held and kissed. I remember walking at a snowy sunset and the sound of his voice. I remember driving around at Christmas, looking at the lights and making jokes about marriage on a second date.
Worry: Dating someone who doesn't communicate is painful, and I may not be able to sustain it.
Antidote: Neighbors. They care for each other and me wonderfully and I am grateful. I live in an amazing neighborhood.
Worry: But I disagree with them about politics, fundamentally. They mock my deeply held beliefs and researched opinions. They post thoughtless memes on Facebook and refuse to engage in reasoned conversation.
Antidote: Build friendships that transcend politics. Politics are temporal and temporary. Times will change things, but Joseph Smith said that the same sociality that exists on earth exists in heaven.
Worry: A relationship, of any kind, is like a plant or a chicken. Until it has strong roots, it needs care and attention from all parties to stay alive. I can't keep any relationships alive on my own, and I feel more and more alone every day. Nobody cares as much as I do about any of these. My siblings express only annoyance. My parents are moving from the house they've lived in for 35 years. The chicks only think about food, water, heat, and pooping (lots and lots of pooping). My friends are busy with their own cares, just like I am - particularly because most of them are educators and shifting f2f to remote is like a home tooth-transplant from one mouth to another.
Antidote: There is only one real antidote. I have a few symptomatic treatments, like horror movies, Lego, browsing Mutual, ALL TEH CRAFTS, but none of them solve the problem.
Truthfully, there may be no solution in this life. I have a diagnosed and chronic emotional illness, and they are part of mortal existence.
But there is a balm in Gilead. There is a healer.
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