Am I Ready to Date?

I'm going to pause for a moment to note that today is Fast Sunday, a monthly holy time for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, in which we not only abstain from food and donate to our hunger and poverty fund, but try to draw closer to Jesus and sanctify our time by studying scripture, praying, and meditating.

And so naturally, I'm thinking about dating. I am very sorry if my thought detract from your spiritual concentration.

I have a theory about what it looks like when a person is really ready to date. It's not even really a theory: more of a hypothesis. I hypothesize three important things that signal that a person is ready to date.

I personally think that you should date anyway, whether you're ready or not, because it's fun, and eventually you'll be ready. But just in case you're wondering why it isn't working out: why you aren't getting closer to the people you are interested in getting to know, one of these might be the reason:

	You ARE ready if:	You are NOT ready if:
1.	You know what you want.	You only seem to know what you definitely or probably don’t want, and usually in terms of previous relationships.
2.	You know how to ask for what you want.	You try to manipulate or coerce potential dates, or pine silently for unrequited love.
3.	You accept the answer.	You cannot accept “no” and so become either creepy or downright dangerous, or you cannot accept “yes” and have no follow-through.

It's a human tendency to blame others for many of these things: whether we've been "friendzoned," none of the gender we're interested in are good enough or emotionally available, notice us, or they all seem to be making it too difficult. There are people who enjoy cat-and-mouse dating, but in those scenarios, I suspect that one or the other partner will end up getting eaten.

Be self-aware. Frame your desires in terms of positive statements. Instead of remembering that your last relationship was with Hitler and deciding that you never want to date a xenocidal dictator again, phrase it in positive terms. "I like being around people who enjoy diversity," or "I value people who prioritize the sanctity of life."

Knowing how to ask for what you want often means facing the possibility of rejection. Rejection hurts, and it's basic self-preservation to do what we can to minimize pain and embarrassment. It's also really important to most of us to position ourselves socially as "the good guy," the one who "did everything right," or simply, "nice," and so we avoid situations that betray our subjectivity. In other words, we downplay our weaknesses and hedge any possible errors in judgment. But asking for what you want requires risk. Taking risk requires courage. Surviving courage requires humor. Let yourself look a little foolish, but try not to be knowingly insincere. Choose your words carefully, and say them clearly.

Being ready to date (in my ideal ice-cream-and-cotton-candy-cloud-world) ultimately means being aware of the substance of what you're dealing with. In LDS theology, you're interacting with spiritual children of your own Heavenly parents, with whom you presumably have some extant relationship. In a secular sense (and dismissing all illegal and inter-species relationships), you are proposing one-on-one time with another sentient human. Beyond simply valuing this rare and precious thing (time), you should also respect agency by valuing differences in temperament, preference, desire, or need. I'm not just talking about waiting for consent, which is a bare minimum. I mean having some genuine interest in other people, and acting to build them up, and build up their agency rather than diminish it.

In my opinion. Because this is a blog and everything on it is my opinion. I shouldn't need to say this, but some people have mentioned recently that I sound too adamant.