The Art of Rejecting a Friend

Background: So I'm in love with a man who isn't in love with me for some unspecified (or unspecifiable) reason, and normally I'd just drop the acquaintance and look for someone else. Or become satisfied on my own (which I was, for a long time). But he wants to stay friends. This is new territory for me. I don't fall in love often (ever?), and staying in a painful situation is not really my M.O. either. But I'm sort of trapped, and I need to make this work.

I'm also feeling vulnerable about admitting that I've been rejected, because it categorizes me. I'm one of the "rejected" rather than the "rejecting." But this is not a real distinction, and pooh to anyone who thinks that way.

Anyway, this is some advice I wrote for him, and for other people who find themselves in his awkward situation, needing to hold a friend at arm's length, but still wishing to keep them close.

*     *     *

“She is tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me.”

– Fitzwilliam Darcy being a d--

Normally, “no thank-you” is polite and plenty. Nobody needs an explanation. You don’t even have to explain to yourself why you are turning down the offer of a closer association, although it’s often helpful to have that level of self-awareness. Being polite is generous, and you are entitled to be rude if that’s what it takes to make yourself heard and understood.

But if you care about the feelings of the person you’re rejecting, and are inclined to preserve what you can of the current relationship, then more delicate diplomacy is called for.

Let me pause there for a moment and iterate strongly that if you are trying to preserve a friendship because you are selfish and want what you can milk from their attraction to bolster your ego or if you otherwise use that person’s talents, time, or resources without sincerely valuing them, then you are a Darcy-sized d--, and there is a special hell for you.

Either way, if you wish to remain friends with someone whose feelings for you are stronger than your feelings for them, you should remember that you are causing them a lot of pain. The amount of pain is roughly proportionate to the strength of feeling, so you should expect that you are causing your friend more pain than you yourself are capable of feeling in the situation. Be patient. Be a mensch. The pain won’t go away: you are still there, reminding them of whatever significance they have given your rejection of them and their offer.

            Still assuming that you value this person and your friendship with them, you do have some control over what significance they place on the rejection. Try to be as clear and honest as you can about what it really means, and why you made that decision. I do not say this lightly. Be honest, even if it means insulting them: ie., if you think they’re not pretty enough, not smart enough, not wealthy enough, not healthy enough, etc. Your candor will help them understand you, and will give that person something concrete to orient themselves by – some solid ground for future conversations. No real communication or rapport is possible if one of you is deceiving the other.

          If your friend sees nothing wrong in pursuing a romantic relationship with someone who thinks they’re inadequate in any way, then they are not emotionally healthy, and there is a special hell for people who take advantage of them.

You should expect your friend to respect your decision – to avoid pressuring you in ways that try to manipulate or circumnavigate your clear boundaries. Bad pressure includes revisiting the topic often for the purpose of making you too tired to keep refusing, appeals to your sense of pity, trying to reinforce your guilt, bribery, reminders of a difference in power between you, or exploiting a known weakness. Any of these behaviors is a sign of illness or toxicity, and should be directly and immediately addressed.

            If your friendship has weathered these emotional earthquakes, then you are ready to rebuild. How and what you build is between you and your friend. Allow yourselves time to figure it out, make mistakes, and learn.