Resolved

It's not even noon yet on January 1st of this fresh hell of a year. (That's a Dorothy Parker allusion. I am not personally ready to condemn a whole year yet).

So far in 2019, I have been grossly hurt by a woman with untreated bipolar disorder, and have seen other people be hurt as well, and seen their reactions which could also be hurtful. Perhaps it means nothing that eleven hours into the shiny new year, the pain is overwhelming everything else.

I paid my bills. That was also painful. Telling my debtors that I can't pay them next month (or, like, ever) will also be painful, but I'm not going to do that today. Because it's a holiday and they probably won't answer their phones. I hope they don't. It's a holiday, and call center workers need holidays. Lots of them.

I wanted to turn this into some resolution about forgiveness or something - some way to make this a positive, but I'm not ready yet. The inner turmoil is too fresh. I don't have answers or solutions or a sure-fire strategy for turning pain into a positive. I have lots of really cliched metaphors, if you want some of those.

So instead, these are my resolutions for the New Year. In 2019, I will:

  • blow bubbles on the balcony in sub-zero temperatures. For science.
  • knit more fingerless gloves
  • make earrings from buttons and give them away (friends, beware)
  • try a new recipe
  • finish the mending
  • love bigger, not smaller
I don't have to live a whole year in a day. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, in someone's famous words. Just one minute at a time, and at this minute, I'm hungry. I think I'm going to make myself some chocolate soup for lunch.

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