Nice Things

As a follow-up to my previous post, my friend and I are still negotiating friendship. I have discovered that for my emotional health, I need verbal affirmation. I need someone to say nice things because the voices in my head are unusually cruel, and I don't have the self-confidence to fight them on my own while under the pressure of near-constant low-level rejection (and the bitter shrieking of professional rejection).

Anyway, I brainstormed some nice things to say to mitigate the pain of rejection, and since I put a lot of work into it and some of them made me laugh, I thought I'd share some. Feel free to use them if you yourself are ever called upon to give me bad news.

"I don't love you, but . . .

  • . . . When you fall in love with someone else and leave me behind, there won’t be enough cookies to fill the void.”
  • . . . If things were different I’d ask you on a real date, because I don’t find you repulsive and I think we’d have fun.”
  • . . . I will admit that your eyes are a [adjective] shade of [color].” (Sidenote: I don't actually know what color my own eyes are. But the DMV has never argued with me, as long as I don' t claim that they're black or brown.)
  • . . . Although touching you would cause me physical pain, nausea, and mental anguish, I believe there must be another being in existence willing to copulate with you. It probably has tentacles.”
  • . . . Being attracted to me is a sign of your confidence and refinement. I know I have ruined you for other men, but that is because of your perfections and education, not because you are desperate, foolish, and vapid.”
  • . . . I can’t take advantage of your squishy, squishy love, but I’d love to take advantage of your bread-making skills."
  • . . . If I ever visited your house for a totally platonic movie night, I’d sit next to you on the couch.”
  • . . . I have noticed your gender. It continues to disturb me.”
  • . . . You are cool enough to be my sister.”
  • . . . Not all of you is easily replaceable with bots and software.”
  • . . . You remind me of [something pleasant].”
  • . . . You are my favorite mild irritant.”
  • . . . I have had a vision of your future. It’s amazing and I’m going to stay out of your way. There was chocolate."
  • . . . Fat women are a luxury, like yachts and indoor pools. Don’t settle for anyone who treats you like an old sweater.”
It was my favorite homework ever: the voices I wish were in my head. The war against anxiety isn't over yet. Who knows? I might win.


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