Are You Well, or Are You Happy?

This morning as I sat on my bunk bed gazing blearily over my mess lit only by the morning light bouncing through the blue sheet over my basement window, I felt happy. But I also felt well, and I wondered briefly if there might be a difference. I mean, at that moment any difference was irrelevant, because I wanted to hug the world (and that's rare, because I'm touch-averse. Hugs can trigger panic). But is it possible to feel happy and unwell? Is there such a thing as feeling well while feeling negative emotions?

We treat the quest for emotional wellness like the quest for hyperthymia, but what if that's not right?

Even recently, I've had periods of mourning when things happened to me that hurt me deeply, that changed my future in unpleasant ways. But those feelings were often accompanied with the subtle reassurance that things would get better. Is it possible to be sad and emotionally well at the same time?

At times of deep sadness, I think it is important to allow ourselves to be unwell for as long as we need. You shouldn't run a marathon on a broken foot.

What about anger? Can I be angry and emotionally well? I have had brief moments of passionate anger in which I was still under complete control of myself. I knew what I was saying, and did not try to hurt anyone, raise my voice, allow myself to be spiteful, or remain angry for longer than it took to calmly express what I was feeling. (I have also lost my temper. That was neither good nor well).

I sometimes experience long periods of thoughtfulness, dispassion, or calm without feeling dissociation, but also without the need to laugh or dance or sing. These things do not feel unwell. Loneliness, ennui, and melancholia do not always coincide with a feeling of malaise.

I have felt happiness that did not seem healthy. Mood swings go both ways, you know. Mania isn't happiness, but it does mock some aspects of it.

Being emotionally "well" for me seems to coincide with two important things that are not exactly positive feelings: can I control my behavior? and am I resilient? I'm not asking about happiness, contentment, or even calm, but STRENGTH.

Am I strong?

And sometimes the answer is "No, no I am not strong. I need your help." And sometimes, like this morning, the answer is, "Yes. I think I'll be okay with whatever happens to me today, and I'm glad there's going to be a tomorrow, because things might be even better. Or at least interesting."

Rosa Parks being fingerprinted.
Am I Rosa Parks strong?
#lifegoals

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