The UnWisdom of Age
I have a new-ish friend who recently got access to his old LiveJournal blog, and while he's deciding how to translate those memories into something more current and usable, he sent me one to read. It's a list of "unanswerable" questions. And, as with all good writing, it makes me want to write back.
Why?
Why not?
Why do you need it to? Does an uneven tear feel different? Is this a princess and the pea thing?
Why do I always get two facial tissues when I only want one?
Inferior tissue folding technology. This bug has been fixed.
Why doesn't anybody drink the last 2 ounces of milk at the bottom of the carton? It would go
perfectly with the last four bites of breakfast cereal that nobody seems to want.
Not hungry enough. This is a good sign.
Why is my belly-button lint always blue, and why does lint collect there anyway?
Jeans and blue t-shirts, and insufficient showering. Q-tips are a thing, my young friend.
Why does the first slice of cake or pie always come out in pieces, no matter how careful you are?
The correct way to cut and serve cake or pie is to cut the entire circle in half, and then cut one of the halves in quarters, and then one of the quarters in eighths, and then serve that eighth first. This should help keep the pieces as whole as possible throughout the serving process.
Why is the telephone cord half a foot too short for you to reach the pencil?
Man was never meant to be satisfied with corded technology.
Why do children have amazing reserves of energy and I'm tired all the time?
They steal energy. This seems obvious.
Why can't it taste good and be good for you at the same time?
It can, if by "good for you" you mean "good for your emotional self."
Why is it that the coolest movies or television shows when you were young seem so silly or stupid now?
You grew up too much. Grow down a bit, and it'll get better. Except the old, misogynistic Ghostbusters. Just let that one go.
Why do we criticize what we don't understand?
Xenophobia.
Why are "How are you?" and "What have you been doing lately?" considered 'small-talk'?
Small-talk is an American custom based on industrial class differences, and is not meant to make sense to real people.
Why do we need terms like 'human nature', 'boys will be boys', and so on?
To excuse our worst cultural vices and toxic masculinity.
Why does the United States of America have a the highest ratio of lawyers to layman in the entire world?
We have to produce something, and food is too old-fashioned, and clothing is too expensive.
Why do we often treat family worse than anybody else?
Because inside the family is where we learn, too frequently by negative experience, what can hurt other people. We just forget to fix ourselves after we know.
Why do people seem to sense that you're down when you don't want to talk about it, but there's nobody around when you do want to talk about it?
Because you hadn't met me yet.
Why does the old one always turn up right after you give up and buy a new one?
It got lonely.
Why do some people thrive on stress while others shrivel from the pressure?
Like an egg, it has to do with our shape, and the shape of our pressure. Everybody has a pressure that they can withstand, and a pressure that will turn them into an omelet.
Why don't we see ourselves like others see us?
Because God is not that cruel.
Why is it fun to help someone else clean their room/house/desk when we constantly put off cleaning our own?
Novelty is a pleasure.
Why does the alarm go off just when the dream is getting interesting?
There are two REM cycles each night, and your alarm will usually go off in the middle of the second one, and it is in the middle when we usually dream.
Why do old people reminisce so fondly about how awful the 'old days' were?
Do we? I hadn't noticed.
Why do all computers in Hollywood movies operate in the same illogical way?
Hollywood always needs better and more experienced writers.
Why does the doorbell or phone ring just when you get into the shower?
Because you're just that popular.
Why do telemarketers call at dinner time?
Their companies know that that is when the most people are likely to be home. Yes, they do it on purpose.
Why do people keep asking the same question in different ways when they don't like the answer?
Sometimes an answer isn't enough. Sometimes they want more information, but don't know how to get it.
Why are squirrels cute and rats ugly when they're both rodents?
According to Rebecca, it's the fluffy tails.
Why do people always want to show you the pictures of their vacation?
There are two reasons for this. Firstly, so they can relive an incredible experience, and the second reason is too cynical to repeat.
Why do people accept pseudo-wisdom when it comes in sound-bites, tag-lines, or humorous quotations?
They don't understand how satisfying it is to tease meaning out of an extended essay.
Why does everybody find it necessary to email me every joke that lands in their inbox?
It's a "safe" way of telling you that they were thinking about you, but don't have time to read your whole blog.
Why is software not "user friendly" if it doesn't have pretty pictures to click on?
Human brains process geometry more easily than language. You can also call it "spatial intelligence."
Why will people make or listen to crude jokes but won't talk openly and honestly about the same subjects?
Taboo subjects are going to make the squeamish people laugh (titter) anyway, and humorists capitalize on this. It is, in fact, a disservice.
Why do people try to excuse themselves from having to learn to operate their computers saying "I'm not a computer person"?
Some skills are tightly tied to our identities. Ask Rebecca about people who describe themselves as "not writers."
Why is it constantly repeated that "size doesn't matter" when people behave like it does?
Size does matter, but not qualitatively over a long term. This is really an argument between people who stay, and people who go, and which side each person sees her or himself on.
....
That really is a terrible question to end on, but youth has its questions.
Ask me again in another sixteen years. See if my answers change.
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