Off the Meds
So I started taking medications toward the end of my PhD program when things were getting too stressful for me to function. I loved meds. But I kept needing more and more. When the doctor finally prescribed the biggest pill manufactured, plus another one to take at the same time, I realized that I was on a slippery slope, and it was getting more expensive. I kept on the meds until after my defense, and then I began tapering off Sertraline.
My doctor knew I wanted to do it, and I made sure my roommates were watching for any dangerous symptoms. I'm not stupid.
But I am miserable. Without medications I can't sleep. I catch myself hyperventilating or not breathing. I'm frequently dizzy and my lips go numb. I have emotions all the time. I'm sad, angry (I haven't been angry in TWO YEARS!), lonely, hungry, and insecure. Oh my goodness the insecurity. I overdose on all-caps. I get bitter about being single. I spend too much imaginary money. And future money.
It's such an odd aporia. The meds worked. Clearly, they worked. They'd probably work again, but only in an ever-increasing amount. So why should I bother? I mean, it makes my life more comfortable not to feel things, or to feel things in the distance and in measuredly manageable amounts, but the pills can only offer me that for maybe a year at a time, until they stop working again. Or maybe there are other kinds that my generous GP is willing to prescribe. I'm not letting a GP change my psych meds. I'm not stupid. And I'm really poor.
My sister-in-law swears by exercise, but even after six children, she's still as thin and beautiful as she was as a teenager, with all the energy of her toddler. Her metabolism gives her a much better payoff for exercise than mine does. But the only exercise I have time for is riding into town on my bike, and that always involves spending money I don't have.
I'm not stupid. I can figure this out. I can't make my emotions go away, but I can learn to understand them, and through time, maybe I can disconnect my behaviors from them. Maybe. I don't have a lot of confidence in that. And I'm too tired to adult right now.
My doctor knew I wanted to do it, and I made sure my roommates were watching for any dangerous symptoms. I'm not stupid.
But I am miserable. Without medications I can't sleep. I catch myself hyperventilating or not breathing. I'm frequently dizzy and my lips go numb. I have emotions all the time. I'm sad, angry (I haven't been angry in TWO YEARS!), lonely, hungry, and insecure. Oh my goodness the insecurity. I overdose on all-caps. I get bitter about being single. I spend too much imaginary money. And future money.
It's such an odd aporia. The meds worked. Clearly, they worked. They'd probably work again, but only in an ever-increasing amount. So why should I bother? I mean, it makes my life more comfortable not to feel things, or to feel things in the distance and in measuredly manageable amounts, but the pills can only offer me that for maybe a year at a time, until they stop working again. Or maybe there are other kinds that my generous GP is willing to prescribe. I'm not letting a GP change my psych meds. I'm not stupid. And I'm really poor.
My sister-in-law swears by exercise, but even after six children, she's still as thin and beautiful as she was as a teenager, with all the energy of her toddler. Her metabolism gives her a much better payoff for exercise than mine does. But the only exercise I have time for is riding into town on my bike, and that always involves spending money I don't have.
I'm not stupid. I can figure this out. I can't make my emotions go away, but I can learn to understand them, and through time, maybe I can disconnect my behaviors from them. Maybe. I don't have a lot of confidence in that. And I'm too tired to adult right now.
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