Because I Have Been Given Much
When I was in high school, that petri dish of insecurities, we threw the accusation of "fishing for compliments" around at each other as if we could shame each-other into acknowledging inferiority. We felt annoyed, and instinctively sneered at their need and vulnerability, and felt morally superior that we were not so vain as they, to need something nice said to or about us. We judged their "overconfidence" and tried to take them down a peg.
We were jerks.
At some point that year, I began to realize that often (but not always) what looks like ego and vanity is actually deep insecurity, and if we are confident enough in ourselves, we don't have to compete with the people around us who lack that confidence. We can lend them some. People don't become vain and insecure from too many compliments, but from too few. Perhaps we breed braggarts when we starve them of self-satisfaction, and so they steal it from us, like Valjean. If we feed them, they have no need to steal.
When somebody fishes for a compliment, part of us is afraid that if we give it to them, they'll think they're better than us, or they'll keep coming back, as if our compliments are addictive. And I suppose that's possible sometimes.
But in my experience, if you can honestly do so, giving that compliment has only positive consequences. Saying kind things will help build that person's confidence until they don't need you. And if you genuinely can't find anything nice to say, 1) practice. This is a skill everybody can use, and 2) smile when you break the bad news to them.
If someone is asking for emotional support or validation, and if you have some to give, why not give it? Their confidence won't diminish your own: there is no cost to give away a gentle thought: you have many more, I am certain, and they are easily shared.
I think we too often see our conversations as a tug-of-war, or some kind of battle. Not all people manipulate or coerce. Not everybody who asks for something feels "entitled" to it. It's not emotional blackmail unless they're threatening you. So why are we so stingy with our kindnesses? Why do we hoard forgiveness as if we are afraid to run out of it?
Because so many people in my life ARE emotionally generous to me - because they do offer digital hugs, reassuring words, hours of their time, their thoughts, dreams, opinions, and genuine friendship (even if I can't recognize it right now), because I have been truly and generously blessed, I know that I have enough kindness to fill me, and overflow. Like the loaves and fishes: I have been fed.
So come fishing.
We were jerks.
At some point that year, I began to realize that often (but not always) what looks like ego and vanity is actually deep insecurity, and if we are confident enough in ourselves, we don't have to compete with the people around us who lack that confidence. We can lend them some. People don't become vain and insecure from too many compliments, but from too few. Perhaps we breed braggarts when we starve them of self-satisfaction, and so they steal it from us, like Valjean. If we feed them, they have no need to steal.
When somebody fishes for a compliment, part of us is afraid that if we give it to them, they'll think they're better than us, or they'll keep coming back, as if our compliments are addictive. And I suppose that's possible sometimes.
But in my experience, if you can honestly do so, giving that compliment has only positive consequences. Saying kind things will help build that person's confidence until they don't need you. And if you genuinely can't find anything nice to say, 1) practice. This is a skill everybody can use, and 2) smile when you break the bad news to them.
If someone is asking for emotional support or validation, and if you have some to give, why not give it? Their confidence won't diminish your own: there is no cost to give away a gentle thought: you have many more, I am certain, and they are easily shared.
I think we too often see our conversations as a tug-of-war, or some kind of battle. Not all people manipulate or coerce. Not everybody who asks for something feels "entitled" to it. It's not emotional blackmail unless they're threatening you. So why are we so stingy with our kindnesses? Why do we hoard forgiveness as if we are afraid to run out of it?
Because so many people in my life ARE emotionally generous to me - because they do offer digital hugs, reassuring words, hours of their time, their thoughts, dreams, opinions, and genuine friendship (even if I can't recognize it right now), because I have been truly and generously blessed, I know that I have enough kindness to fill me, and overflow. Like the loaves and fishes: I have been fed.
So come fishing.
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