"Ladies who Lunch"
One of my dearest friends shared her feelings with me recently, and without her permission, I'm going to shamelessly comment on her ideas.
She talked about reaching a point in her endless strivings to "do it all" where she started asking herself "do I really want to do this? Why am I doing this?"
I think these are really great self-interrogation questions.
The first question - "Do I really want to do this?" - offers us an opportunity to understand how our situation and our actions make us feel. It's related to questions like, "am I enjoying this?" or "Does this frighten me?" (in the case of my anxiety-brain), or "How will I feel if I fail/succeed?"
The second question - "Why am I doing this?" - interrogates our motivations. By middle age, we have acquired several layers of external necessity: we have to adult. We pay bills. We support dependents. We maintain romantic and social relationships. We know how to do these things, and we make them a priority, for the sake of our credit scores and mental health.
Sometimes we have to do things we don't enjoy. Hypothetically. I mean, I broke down and cried for a whole day when a temp agency insisted that I put bullet points on my resume. (After three months of studying document design, and making minute conscientious decisions, they insist on THE UGLIEST PUNCTUATION EVER. *fumes*) I'm not so keen on certain kinds of compromises. You can't get me to change because of market forces: you'd have to convince me it is "right" aesthetically, morally, or logically.
Social responsibilities can pull us out of our comfort zone, and that's great! It's an opportunity to stay young, and to expand our comfort zone. But I think an essential and often-forgotten step in this process of becoming bigger is that first question: "Do I really want to do this?" And you tried a new thing, and that was brave and awesome. Maybe you even gave it years of effort. But if it doesn't lift you, or bring you closer to your ultimate goal, consider letting it go. Middle age is the time when we start to realize that life is finite, and we don't have time to kill.
My friend puts it this way: "does it make my soul soar?" And sometimes, doing the dishes makes my soul soar. Soaring isn't about pleasure, but elevation. We tap into the lay-lines of eternity - the things that MATTER. Sometimes, listening to my niece pretend to read me a story makes my soul soar. Writing five new pages of my dissertation, or fiction. Walking from the grocery store with 100 lbs of canned food on my back - because it makes me feel strong. Lunching with dear friends. Looking at beautiful art or scenery. Crying with a friend in pain. Seeing peppermint sprout - because I cared for it. Staying friends with family. Finding a new story (or even better - a new way of telling stories). Practicing and seeing improvement at a personal talent. Hard work. Giving time and money to worthy causes. Make your own list. I'd love to read it.
She talked about reaching a point in her endless strivings to "do it all" where she started asking herself "do I really want to do this? Why am I doing this?"
I think these are really great self-interrogation questions.
The first question - "Do I really want to do this?" - offers us an opportunity to understand how our situation and our actions make us feel. It's related to questions like, "am I enjoying this?" or "Does this frighten me?" (in the case of my anxiety-brain), or "How will I feel if I fail/succeed?"
The second question - "Why am I doing this?" - interrogates our motivations. By middle age, we have acquired several layers of external necessity: we have to adult. We pay bills. We support dependents. We maintain romantic and social relationships. We know how to do these things, and we make them a priority, for the sake of our credit scores and mental health.
Sometimes we have to do things we don't enjoy. Hypothetically. I mean, I broke down and cried for a whole day when a temp agency insisted that I put bullet points on my resume. (After three months of studying document design, and making minute conscientious decisions, they insist on THE UGLIEST PUNCTUATION EVER. *fumes*) I'm not so keen on certain kinds of compromises. You can't get me to change because of market forces: you'd have to convince me it is "right" aesthetically, morally, or logically.
Social responsibilities can pull us out of our comfort zone, and that's great! It's an opportunity to stay young, and to expand our comfort zone. But I think an essential and often-forgotten step in this process of becoming bigger is that first question: "Do I really want to do this?" And you tried a new thing, and that was brave and awesome. Maybe you even gave it years of effort. But if it doesn't lift you, or bring you closer to your ultimate goal, consider letting it go. Middle age is the time when we start to realize that life is finite, and we don't have time to kill.
My friend puts it this way: "does it make my soul soar?" And sometimes, doing the dishes makes my soul soar. Soaring isn't about pleasure, but elevation. We tap into the lay-lines of eternity - the things that MATTER. Sometimes, listening to my niece pretend to read me a story makes my soul soar. Writing five new pages of my dissertation, or fiction. Walking from the grocery store with 100 lbs of canned food on my back - because it makes me feel strong. Lunching with dear friends. Looking at beautiful art or scenery. Crying with a friend in pain. Seeing peppermint sprout - because I cared for it. Staying friends with family. Finding a new story (or even better - a new way of telling stories). Practicing and seeing improvement at a personal talent. Hard work. Giving time and money to worthy causes. Make your own list. I'd love to read it.
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