It Hurts to Ask

By raise of hands: has anybody heard the sentence, "It doesn't hurt to ask"? Has someone ever said it to you? Did you slap them?

I think slapping might be my new strategy, which would prevent the person who said it from following up with the equally fallacious, "The worst they could say is, "no."

It always hurts to ask.

Firstly, asking for anything requires vulnerability. It means being explicit about a power that someone has over you, whether what you are asking for is information, a new stapler, a day off, or whether they'll marry you. That act of expressing need is dangerous, and if you're anxious you feel acutely aware that a vindictive or malicious person could use that vulnerability to totally screw you over, if they feel like it. Or take advantage of you, if there's profit in it for them. Or make you look foolish for not having/knowing the thing already.

Asking for something is a kind of commitment in itself. It means admitting not only a want or need, but that you have made a decision about whether you think you should be given a thing, and this is also vulnerable. Asking for a raise, for instance, means admitting to your boss that you think you deserve one. 

Secondly, asking for something has an effect on the person you ask. If the person you are asking is sensitive, they may feel obligated to say "yes" when it would be wiser to refuse you. Asking can mean allowing someone to pity you. They may judge you for asking, or for needing help, even if they give it. Or, in the case of poor Oliver Twist, they might punish you for being greedy. It sounds ridiculous, but I have worked for some seriously Dickensian employers.

If the person you are asking from is not sensitive, they may laugh at you, or shame you. Basically, anything an anxious person fears when confronted with the idea of asking for something could come true. You could be fired. You could be punished. Humiliated (often). It could go on your permanent record (yes, just asking for something, like mental or financial help, for instance, can affect your life, whether you are accepted or denied).

So maybe stop saying that it doesn't hurt to ask, and instead try to realistically mitigate risk, and prepare the asker for reasonable consequences of asking. Because a simple and emotionless "no," can be a total relief, in comparison.