Identity Crisis

This week I have had to face some difficult truths about myself.

Here's a problem with this conversation - there have been people in my life who are unkind, judgmental, and manipulative, and whenever I try to process difficult things about myself, I hear them in my head laughing at me, gloating, and being smug. It makes me angry.

But being honest about myself to myself is still the right thing to do, so I'm going to do it anyway, and I'm going to try to ignore those cruel voices.

I have made significant mistakes. I don't know what they all are, and I'm not sure I could process them all if I did know. I'm not sure that everyone who accuses me is correct, but I don't think I could defend myself against the accusations anyway, so they might as well be.

Even if I'm not guilty of everything I'm accused of, I know that I am guilty of some things. And I know that the accusations are enough to have permanent consequences in my professional life, even if I have not been given a chance to defend myself or to learn from my mistakes. There was a time, perhaps, when I could have made my mistakes an opportunity to learn, but I was too scared to see myself from the outside. I don't want to change from the outside - I'm not even sure it's possible.

These are the first difficult truths: that I am unwilling to compromise even in the face of grave consequences, and against even patient and pragmatic advice; that I am not able to control my words and emotions, and sometimes they hurt people or make them afraid; that despite my unwillingness to compromise, I still allow others' opinions to change my own feelings about myself; and that I am weak in the face of authority.

I have also found that in my past, I have not held myself to standards of excellence which would open the best paths, and so now I find those paths closed and my way on the middle road unbearably thorny. I did not face my own mediocrity with intelligence and diligence, but with resignation and complacence.

These are the second difficult truths: that in my ignorance, I expect too much reward for too little effort; that I have been satisfied with pleasure when with some sacrifice, I could have found success instead; that I have been content to consume without the courage to produce; that I don't know how to  assess or use feedback; and that I don't know the professional protocol for fixing things that have gone wrong - I guess. . . I mean that I don't function well in a world where mistakes follow you forever, because I make too many of them.

My mistakes are part of my permanent professional identity, and I think they should be part of my personal identity as well, because only by accepting these truths about myself can I start to prevent mistakes in the future. I need to keep these hard truths close to me in order to change.

The world is so cold and unforgiving. I don't deserve forgiveness from them. How do you measure whether someone deserves to be forgiven? They won't forget, and I don't know how to make restitution. My mistakes will shift the course of the rest of my life, and right now, the consequences rattle my bones with fear.

One of these consequences is that I am no longer certain who I am: this has shattered my self-image, and I can't face anyone anymore, and I can't move forward. Another consequence is that I do not know how I will be able to live now that I cannot find work. Still cannot find work. I keep waiting for my self to reassert itself: to rediscover humor, to enjoy the things I used to enjoy, but it's all gone. I pray, but I refuse to ask for blessings. I find myself talking to my dearest friends in sane, measured conversation, and it's just hollow. I don't know how they can stand me. I'm not even a real person.

I'm not sad. I know what I feel, but I do not know who I am.