Selfness

I have been seriously considering recently if (and if so, when) it is ever okay to consider one's self above or before others.

It seems like a stupid question, but I work on the assumption that the universe is logical, if complex, and that rules exist in a hierarchy. The most obedient person is one who has the rules appropriately prioritized. By this amusingly simplistic rubric, getting into heaven begins with designing and running an algorithm. After that, it's a hardware problem.

Well, why not?

But what about selfishness. Is it ever okay to think of myself first?

Contemporary thought would suggest that we dress and accoutre ourselves for ourselves as a thinking and creative subject, rather than thinking of ourselves as objects of a critical gaze. That is, we decide how to clothe or make up ourselves because of how it makes us feel, rather than what other people (either for arousal or judgment) think/feel. But isn't that selfish? If we were selfless, wouldn't we care to make the world a more beautiful place? What about making others comfortable by fitting in? What about modesty and helping those weak, weak men who are victims of their own brain chemistry? *cough*

Seriously, nobody with any practical sense would suggest thinking like that. So is selflessness subordinated in this scenario?

I would say yes, but by default. By design, there is a third option. Ourselves and our bodies present three different views. People see us from the outside. We see us from the inside. God sees us from a completely different dimension that encompasses inside and outside and non-linear time. If we can understand who we really are and how we are intended to exist, decisions like what color eyeshadow to wear and how low our red-carpet dresses can plunge reprioritize themselves.

But we're still thinking of ourself. Isn't that selfish?

Yes.

So selfishness is okay sometimes?

I think it's a process. I think that in order to get to true selflessness, sometimes we have to walk through a conscious process of change that involves thinking of ourselves critically and kindly, but still gazing inwards. I also think that it's unhealthy to dwell there for very long, even if it's where you're at in the process.

Yesterday in a quiet meeting I saw a woman stand up, walk over to a crying woman, and put her arms around her. Both of them were friends of mine (as close as I get to having friends, which, this time of year, isn't very close at all). I had seen the woman crying, but my mind was not right, was not aligned to this kind of love or charity. I could berate myself, but I don't think that's productive. If it is most important to me that I see the needs of others and have the ability to help them, then I need to not just change where I am in each moment - changing thoughts and behaviors are necessarily simultaneous processes - but I need to be moving towards a permanent change. I need to practice seeing the needs of others, but I also need to become a person for whom that ability, that way of life, is natural. And part of that process might involve some unpleasant self-gazing.