Dreaming Lonely

I function best when I have something to look towards - some kind of ideal that nudges my actions. It's like that story that someone told in General Conference about the farmer with the really straight furrows, and his neighbor asks him how he gets them so straight, and he says "well, I look down the row, and I see something, and I keep my eye on that thing while I plough." So his neighbor thinks this is a fabulous idea, but next day, the farmer comes out and sees that his neighbor's rows are atrocious. He asks "didn't you take my suggestion?" and the neighbor says "yeah, but the cow kept moving."

Well, my cow is moving. Since giving up on men just over a week ago, I have decided that because marriage isn't something I can dream of anymore, I need to have a single dream. I need to have a vision of what I can make my life without a significant other, partner, or family situation.

So last night in my head as I was trying to sleep, I calculated things. Like the airspeed velocity of an unladen European swallow.

I'm not a misanthropist, but I do think that ideally, I will live alone - for everyone else's sake. I need very little space: a full kitchen, one room for sleeping and/or entertaining, and a study for my research work that would contain a computer workstation and more bookshelves than seems necessary. Until you see my books.
I would want to own my home so I could paint the walls and change the carpet, so, maybe a walk-up condo flat in a larger city, or a very small cottage in an older suburb. But no larger than three rooms and a kitchen. Anything larger and I wouldn't know what to do with the space. I would own things just to fill it up.

Depending on the city where I can get employment, I would prefer to own and maintain my own car, which would also ideally be a light colored 10-15-year-old mid-size sedan with a manual transmission and a phone jack. A car for me is necessarily both a means and symbol of independence.

I need to work with the books that surround me. Because my ideal minimum salary is (again, depending on the city) about $30,000, Library Circulation Aide won't cut it, and I don't have an MLS (by choice. I deeply dislike the business and politics of public libraries). That means I need to either succeed in academia, work in publishing, or become a manager in book retail (shoot me now). I have also considered becoming a small business owner (used and new independent bookstore), a published author (only a supplemental income), or book restorer. I could (and already do) get independent work as an editor, but my commenting style isn't conciliatory enough to make that viable long-term or commercially. Non-tenure-track instruction is not a viable long-term solution. I burn out quickly - within about seven-eight semesters, depending on my course load. It's never pretty.
So in summary of my employment plans: Plan A is tenure-track academia; secondarily, publishing; tertiarily, independent book sales and restoration. I might also try my hand at writing for television, as long as I don't need to live in CA.

My hobbies will include music (organ and piano), knitting, and writing. Always. Both as a novelist and an unaffiliated scholar, if necessary.

The concerns that accompany this lifestyle are that it easily becomes self-centered, which means I will also need to remain involved with my church congregation, a community charity or volunteer organization (Friends of the Library is my favorite, but I would also love to work with adult literacy programs), and family history and temple work.

Lots of work, lots of comfort, some security, and balance. Although I feel like there needs to be more math, astronomy, or brain puzzles. Maybe some chess?

Is this lonely dream what I really want?

Well, yeah. And I think it needs a Pinterest board.