Controlled Momentum

I am getting old. Every day I am closer and closer to forty, and further and further from thirty. Every day I strain for adulthood, completely uncertain what that even means. I fight through my hazy, heavy infantilizing need for approval. You'd think, in a silly, self-obsessed blog that pulls in the kinds of numbers that comprise a binary code, I would have learned emotional independence. Or that in all the years of PhD program rejections I would have figured something out.

Well, I didn't.

But here I am, mid-thirty-ish, calling myself nobody because I live single in a marriage-based culture, because I lack confidence in a career like a violent ocean and all the lifeboats are made of hubris, and because I have failed to make an object of myself.

My Christmas wish will not come true this year either. *shrugs* I'm just me. I'd love to make somebody else's Christmas wish come true instead, but nobody I know seems capable of articulating what they really want. I went on what was probably nearly a date last night with a nice guy who undoubtedly thinks I like him more than I actually do. He suggested more than once that he wouldn't mind if I kissed him. He was basically volunteering to be the object of my affection while carefully withholding any kind of reciprocation. Like "Sure! Go ahead and adore me. It wouldn't turn my stomach to be hit on by a fat girl, if you're offering." He called me his stalker at some point.

Ugh.

It's that time of night right now when all the anger just sits in my stomach. I want to glitter bomb his car and shout "bitch! I am FABULOUS!"

I'm sure he is just an idiot. I'm certain of it. I'm just as certain that he simply doesn't have the moves. He has no idea how to kiss a woman. I'm pretty sure he's not fully aware that he's supposed to.

So I'm going to write some simple step-by-step instructions for a safe first kiss.

   1) Shower and brush your teeth. Frequently. Wear clean clothes. Avoid Axe body spray. Smelly and stained is not a hot mess. It's just a mess. Carry gum, mints, or breath freshener. Use them. This is also simple conversation etiquette.
    2) Make sure that you actually want to kiss her. If you don't, make your lack of intentions clear to save her bitterness and disappointment later. A reasonable person will not seek a relationship where it is not wanted. A strong person will not seek a relationship where it is merely "tolerated."
   3) If you do want to kiss her, pay attention to her body language. Don't even think about making moves unless she seems comfortable with your proximity. If she moves back or flinches, back away until you see her relax. Psychologically, you want her to associate being near you with good feelings, not fear or revulsion.
   4) If her distancing behavior continues but she accepts dates, ask her about it. You might need to be patient. Or she might just lack the courage to reject you.
   5) Normally, distancing behavior will decrease at varying rates, depending on the people and type of relationship. A woman is probably willing to be kissed if she initiates contact with you, and maintains it for any noticeable amount of time. For instance, if she leans her head on your shoulder, holds your arm, sits close, or touches your face or hair. If you want to be certain, you can always ask. Some women prefer not to be asked, and some women definitely prefer to be asked permission before you try to kiss her, but either way, asking is always lower risk even if it takes more courage.
   6) Wait for an appropriate time. Kissing might be inappropriate if the relationship is not exclusive, depending on your and her value system. Many women dislike being kissed in front of an audience, and will resent an ill-timed attempt. Watch for moments accompanied by something that soothes her soul, like soft lighting, a beautiful view, moving music, or a strong happy memory, but be careful not to interrupt her enjoyment. Again, you want your proximity to associate in her mind with great beauty and warm feelings.
   7) When you see an opportunity (or make one), seize it surely, but slowly. Move closer SLOWLY, and watch her reaction. Always follow her lead if she moves away. If she doesn't, put a hand on her waist or back, being careful that you do not touch her bare skin.
   8) Say something kind or soothing. Keep it honest, and shoot for something she'll believe. Tell her your favorite thing about her, or how she makes you feel, or why you wanted to be on this date with her.
   9) This is where Hitch's advice comes in handy. You ALWAYS want to give a woman the choice to refuse your kiss, even if it makes you look foolish. Slowly move your head towards hers, tilting (usually) a little towards the right. Go 90% of the distance and close your eyes. If she wants to kiss you, she will move the remaining 10%. If she does not want to kiss you, she'll probably either say something to change the subject (pretending not to see your move), or turn her head and accept your kiss on her cheek.
   10) Rejecting your kiss is not the same as rejecting you. If you want to know what she is thinking, asking is (again) always an option. Be aware, though, that if she feels threatened, she may not be able to give you an honest answer. It is always in your best interest to help her feel safe. 
   11) If she accepts your kiss, keep it simple, especially if it's your or her first kiss. Closed-mouth is best for first contact. Hold the kiss only as long as she does, or as long as you are comfortable. If she enjoys the experience, she'll want to repeat it soon enough.

*thinks* Well, it might work.