Open Letter to Single Mormon Men

Dear Single Mormon Men,

I understand that in many ways, our culture functions in the sexual economy of the Dark Ages. I get that some truths are eternal, but some truths are also eternally wrong. One of the eternal truths is that mankind is designed to fight against his nature. Every time you feel yourself justifying your behavior with the phrase "It's natural," or "It's just how men are" you should in all seriousness rethink what you are doing. Go back to the scriptures.

I don't date very much, but I have been on several dates with and have made the acquaintance of several men who indicated their absolute refusal to pursue a woman who is seeing other men, as if each of them saw a woman as a battlefield they refused to enter until all other armies had disbanded. That attitude itself is incredibly frustrating, and not because I'm giving in to my feminine desire to see men fight over me. That attitude is just as barbaric. It's frustrating because these men are waiting patiently until they think the woman is reduced to a choiceless object. They desire to limit a woman's agency, because if one man is the only choice, a woman cannot help but choose him, and then he will own his very own woman. *grunt* Women like me, however, embrace singleness as a viable option. God will always give me a choice.

I am a different kind of woman than most, and as a conscientious human you should always consider the disposition of the person or potential partner in question. Think about your dating strategies and purposes. Pay attention to your own motivations. Many women find nothing threatening in the proposition of being "claimed" or "possessed" by a male. Some women want nothing more, and your proximity alone fulfills her needs. But consider proportions: does the relationship between you warrant the ownership signals you give other men? If you love her, did you tell HER before you started telling your buddies? If you are starving your date of the affection or intimacy that she needs and then signalling other men to stay away, you are doing her great harm. And if she's me, you're also making her very, very angry.

I value my agency very highly. I find it the kindest and most costly gift given to me by my Heavenly Father: it cost Him his Son.

When I feel that a man is trying to limit my agency, I retaliate very quickly, and very instinctively.

Even marriage is not a limit to agency, but a freely made decision, and every day in that marriage is another decision to keep or break a promise. Marriage is not ownership, though it is a kind of belonging. There are debts to be paid and responsibilities to uphold. But one marriage partner does not possess the other, any more than a tree possesses a vine, or vice versa. We are all only God's, entwining ourselves together in His garden.

If you cannot own a woman even in marriage, why do you try to possess her before you're even dating?

My dear men, please honor our agency. We break each-other's hearts and our Father weeps with us, but this is how we learn. Offer what you can. Ask permission. Be your best self. If you cannot give her what she needs, please don't stop her from seeking it somewhere else. You are enough for someone, but you are not all things to all women.