The Selfish Thing

I hear, on a fairly regular basis, the claim that suicide is selfish.

Who says this? Those people who would rather see someone else in unbearable agony than have to deal with her/his temporary loss? What an obscene irony.

The truth is that suicide can be a selfless act. I don't mean to glorify self-destruction, because there's no real glory in it, just a facade of triumph over the reality of defeat. There's not any redemption in making your final decision one of gross destruction. But if you convince a person that the world would be better without her/him, then you yourself have done the glorification. Then you have given that person the illusion of redemption. There are people in the world who will destroy themselves before harming others, and if you convince them that they do nothing but harm they will take the necessary steps to prevent more harm.

Today, I am not so selfless. I am a horrible person. I undoubtedly do more harm than good. I serve no real purpose. I fail at everything I attempt. And I spit on the world who would try to make me leave it.

Suicide would be selfless, but today I will be selfish. Today I will live because despite the fact that I do not deserve them, the world still holds pleasures for me. A simple conversation about the nature of our relative velocities in time convinced me. The pleasure of intellectual ramblings on the nature of the universe convinced me that I am not yet ready to quit it. There are more books to read, and more conversations, and more snow in Spring.

And more people. There are always more beautiful souls. You may hate me, but I love you. The sight of me might make your world a little uglier. So my very presence darkens your life. The signs of me are nearly unbearable to you, and you hate being where I am. You flinch every time I open my mouth. You can forgive me my life, or you may not: that is (as always) your choice. But I'm keeping it all the same. I'm not here by your permission: I'm here by God's grace, and when He decides I am too horrible to live, then He will revoke my breathing privileges.

I'm going to give advice, though, against all of my recent resolutions. As always, this is advice I should also keep.

Think twice before trying to convince someone that s/he is horrible (or stupid, lazy, etc). Maybe you think it's true. Maybe you think you just have to tell someone the truth about her/himself or you'll burst. Maybe it's incontrovertible, and you feel that this person should be aware of her/his universal odiousness. Think twice, and in that second time around, always decide against it.

I promise that you do not have all the truth, and change comes only through pure, Christ-like love. Look at the person you hate. Look at her. When you think she is beautiful just as she is, you might have the power to change her for the better. Until that moment, HOLD YOUR TONGUE.