Academic Delusions

"Impostor Syndrome" is a thing now, with a wikipedia page and everything. Career women from all fields are expressing insecurity about their abilities and performance at work, despite being as or more qualified than their male counterparts.

I experience deep insecurity, but I can't call it "impostor syndrome" anymore, though two years ago, it certainly was. The difference is that my fears of inadequacy have become a certainty. I know that I am not as good, and that I don't deserve what I have been given. I have stopped pretending. I won't stop my studies or my work, but I no longer have ambitions for success, only survival.

I'm not afraid of work. These things don't come naturally to me, but I can work to be better. I don't write very well, but there are resources available to help me.

They say it's not paranoia if people actually are out to get you. It's not impostor syndrome if I really am incompetent.

Facing this reality is one of the most horrible things I've ever had to do. As a child and adolescent, I experienced great privilege and success. I was always bringing home certificates, trophies, or honors (real ones, not just for participation). I got above-average grades, and worked hard for academic achievements. I was never the best, though, which is a great foreshadowing of my current predicament.

I'm not afraid that my committee will suddenly discover that I don't belong, because I can tell that they already have. There's too much external evidence of my general inadequacy, and their lack of faith. Letting me into the program was a mistake, but I can make it serendipity.

I'm not the cleverest. I'm not the deepest, or the edgiest, or the most creative. I write badly, and synthesize shallowly, and come to banal conclusions. I think metaphorically when I should be meticulous, and I get lost in syntax when I should be synthesizing a response. I ask stupid questions, and geek out.

I think the relationship between success and feedback is complex and dynamic. Sometimes negative feedback makes me give up, and sometimes it makes me work harder. Sometimes praise makes me soar, and sometimes it makes me rest on my laurels. I think the effect, success or failure, whether the intent is to discourage or encourage, of any one feedback strategy is entirely dependent on my mood, which is unpredictable and with a breathtaking scope.

I am not an imposter. I am a work in progress.

I'm also really bad at navigating external expectation, which might be a necessary skill in the future.

Comments

  1. BeccalandNovember 9, 2013 at 12:31 PM

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  2. BeccalandNovember 9, 2013 at 12:33 PM

    I identify with almost everything you wrote. In grade school, I was always near the top of my class, but my best friend was always at the very top. And you know what? She became a substitute teacher. I am a PhD student. We lost touch for a really long time, and are barely in touch now, so there's a lot that I don't know about what happened in between or what has happened since. But I do know that being the smartest isn't the most important thing. And there's actual scientific research that backs this up: what matters most to success is not intelligence but grit, that stick-to-it-ive-ness that enables you to keep going despite struggle and failure. Perfectionism exacts a heavy toll. What qualifies us to be here isn't how clever we are (or think we are) but whether, ultimately, we can manage to do what academics do--and so far, though we are doing it badly, we ARE doing it.

    "I am not an imposter. I am a work in progress." Exactly.

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  3. Nancy RocheNovember 26, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    I think most valuable to me are the echoes I feel in the women I admire that we feel the same feelings, and know the same things. We can't all be experiencing the same thing at the same time, but I think anyone who has struggled for success knows that horrifying wandering that we somehow believe should be a smooth ascent. I don't know where I'll end up, or what flavor of success I even want, but you're right. "We ARE doing it."

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