Lady-like

My mother and grandmother always used to give me advice about being ladylike - varnish your nails, sit with your knees together, realistic art vs. imaginary art, etc. I ignored most of it. My fingernails are shiny blue; I wear long skirts intentionally so I don't have to sit with my knees together; and I always have and will prefer abstraction, surrealism, and speculative fictions to realism, or even hyper-realism. This doesn't bother me, because I know what most people don't; that being a lady isn't about what you wear, or how you look. 

Clearly: 

But this is not the kind of lady I want to be either: that is, made so by performative utterance.

I believe in using agency to overcome inheritance from "nature" and "nurture." In some ways, with help, I create myself, which process fills some odd space somewhere between artificial and genuine. The process of creation requires a fixed ideal of myself toward which I strive, when I have the energy. When I was younger, the word I used to describe this self was "lady." I wanted to be a lady. Not just the kind everybody grows into, but a specific kind of person with class (THERE's a weighted word), and skills (ahem).

I'm going to articulate that ideal. I warn you that what follows is personal.

Someday, I want to be kind. I want to be the person who apologizes first after an argument. I want to care more about how comfortable other people are than how I look to them. I want to laugh with people, and not make them afraid I'll pull out my red pen. But I also want my presence to bring out their best selves, to give them space to be genuinely delightful. I want to be expressive of real affection.

Someday I want to be confident, with posture so correct that chiropractors comment on it. I want to be so secure that I don't need to brag about my credentials, or mention my background. I want to attract sympathy (mitgefuhl? verstaendnis?), not pity. I want to own a room without needing to be the center of attention. I want to be approachable withing being encroachable (neologism!). I want to weather cultural disapproval with a friendly smile.

Someday, I want to think clearly and use precise words, rather than flailing around and circumlocuting. I want to understand how people feel when they speak, and not just interpret their words. I want to be able to write academic papers with linear logic and instinctively legible prose. I want to perceive nuance in theory texts, and to comprehend whole paragraphs of deconstructionism at once - a whole paragraph, not a single sentence or the gist of the article.

Someday, I want to be fun. I want to be creative and spontaneous, and just a little messy. I want to be able to stop worrying and play Lego Batman. I want to stare down a deadline and make it blink first. I want to teach people how to make paper balloons, and learn how to whistle. I want to dare to hold class outside on the lawn. I want to make puddle-stomping look like a party.

Someday I want to be inspired and intuitive. I want to creep people out with my profound insight. This requires not speaking quite so much as I do presently. I want to embrace eccentricity and ignore unproductive patterns. I want to hear voices, and dare to do what they tell me. I want to dream dreams and see visions. I want to be strong-willed and determined against all odds. I want to learn how to fail gracefully, and when to reject failure entirely.

Well, it's a start, anyway. Did I miss something?