Resilience

I'm not a very good student. It wouldn't actually surprise me to find out I'm last in my cohort (I work with some pretty brilliant people). I get B's fairly regularly, and I'm finally getting used to them. My self-worth is not at the mercy of my grades; my self-worth is much more comprehensive. So the occasional B+ does not shake me too much. I sigh deeply and roll my eyes, and try again.

Today, though, I was shaken by the most ridiculous thing; I failed. My assignment was simply to bake dinner rolls for my brothers' Mocktoberfest celebration, and I killed the yeast. The recipe said it should double in size in an hour, and it sat there for two hours and didn't so much as twitch. I tried in a cooler spot, in a warmer, and followed the recipe faithfully. I called Jennifer and my mother - the two most dedicated homemakers I know - and got only bad news. The only salvation was to try again, and I couldn't do it. All I could do was cry.

What is the difference? Why do I bounce back from the little failures of something as important as a PhD program, but become emotionally crippled by a simple cooking assignment? I'm almost 50% sure I could succeed if I gave it another chance, despite my lack of mixer. I'm pretty handy with a fork/wooden spoon. My mother taught me alternate ways of preparing yeast, and I could alter the recipe to activate the yeast before kneading the dough. I'm good at kneading, and I'm not afraid of hard work. But I can't do it. I'm just too angry.

*so. . . 2.5 hours later, after a refreshing nap, I tried again, and it might work this time! The dough has risen, just a little. I think the problem is that the house is too cold, and I need a nap after failure. Live and learn!